It was the silence from afar that disturbed my sleep but somehow I could hear their suppressed grins from the stairs. There was no way children could be so silent in the broad daylight, something wouldn't have been right. Tami and Beth, I could never forget how they breathe and move like wall geckos waiting for an afternoon meal to make an insect. My eyes reluctantly followed them with no hunch of emotions, I was still as lifeless as I was some months back and the first trimester of the year had been bad, and I might just see the devil and tell him to lead me straight to hell already. 

    I rolled over the piles of books on the bed, and like my legs being affected by my thoughts - I dragged myself out to the balcony where I would escape from the four walls of my cozy bedroom that had begun to haunt me. I placed my hands on the rails, and when I stared down at my shadow, I looked pathetic and deprived of life. Not that I wanted to change any narrative but my shadow should have looked better, my curves should have been more projected and the sunlight shining on my face should have told anyone that I was not just an ordinary girl but I was just a little step away from jumping off. 

   A blurred reflection was what I first saw, but then my mind made it clear to me, he was still as handsome as he is. His lips were still smooth to look at, his full eyebrows furrowed as he saw me not taking another step, my eyes dropped to his feet and his height was something that engulfed my little frame, and his voice was what I silently looked forward to. The deep voice that sent shivers down my spine, called to me, his fingers extended towards me and his eyes following me till I wrapped my arms around his neck. 

  It was a laugh, a deep laugh from him that turned to a sneer, his face slowly fading away like memories that had been forgotten. 

  " Aunty kate " 

   "Aunty Kate " I looked down at the second call, My eyes meeting with that of Beth and Tami. They stood inches away from me, ready to dodge flying slaps that were not coming any soon. I crouched to their heights, spreading my arms for their embrace. They looked at each other, each of them ready to turn in the opposite direction, as long as it was away from my sight. I pulled them closer to me, sniffing in their body scent that was already mixed with dust and sweats 

   " Your mum will soon be back, let's get you dressed up" I said, cupping their cheeks and landing a kiss on their forehead afterwards, that within the blink of an eye, Beth was lost in my embrace, Tami joined, soon we were on the floor and I was laughing again. I got Tami off me first, before persuading Beth to let me go so I won't join their late father in heaven. 

  I have been sitting in the darkness for a while, waiting for anything to pull me out of the wilderness in my thoughts, where nobody could save my shattered soul till now. Not that I didn't try to break free, so speak of the rain that washed away my fears, of the sunlight that trapped my insecurities in the cage, of the clouds that held my heart intact, and of the stars that aligned in my favorite story to tell here, but I can show you how many falls I had before this jump. 

I won't condemn the nights, nor will I blame my emotions, I was just being a girl that wanted every candy with a wish that he was here. Those times when his eyes said, don't go tonight, stay one more time and let's fall in love tonight when his mouth reminded me what it's like to escape from reality. 

But now my love is gone, now his sorry couldn't hold me down anymore. He saw me fade away, but my steps kept him awake, slowly calling out to me to look for an open door so we could escape together. 

But then I am just a girl living in a fantasy that's filled with catastrophe, heads in the clouds, both feet on the ground in a world with no happy ending, my heart on fire for the love I couldn't receive, but my name plastered on the sky for every reality that hit me hard.

Before I stood, I walked on fire of doubts, becoming the flame that burned so bright. With my smile I made them fall in love and the spell can't be broken. I went to where the music was the loudest, dancing with dangerous eyes that captured every soul, my heart free of the pain caused by what would be.

No limit I went, back turned to my past as I dived deep into the waters. I swam to where my laughter was, emerging from the water to the future I created with no fears. I exhaled, and walked in my full glory to my kingdom, ready to take back my throne. 

A blank page I was given, to write the remaining chapters of my life in detail. With my chest out, my head held high, and my smile the biggest when I sniffed back the tears to take my place in the kingdom, to cut off everything and the version of me that didn't love me enough. 

I am emerging, growing, and holding on to everything that has my name on it. Following the path of clarity, I ventured into the unknown to carve my name where the Kings and Queens dine, so I can leave an imprint as a blueprint for the next generation to follow - Tami and Beth, my new light.