Totally unrelated, but i now believe marriage and probably love, isn’t for me.

I should probably keep away from anything with testosterone and beards but i keep having this dream about me. And him?

I already envision myself sharing sweets to my nieces and nephews as that one single aunty does but somehow, in my dreams, i’m not and I’m beside a man who loves me and doesn’t try to enslave me with the hardship of cooking.

I even named him Theodore and with the millions of books i read, i now know his personality though it changes according to every book boyfriend i get.

In this dream about me. Him. It’s arranged, like the mafia novels but he’s soft like the high school boys. He has bastard money like the Ceo men and acts like the bad boys generally but with me.

And we’re in Italy, on honeymoon, but even though I didn’t agree with my mother’s methods of forcing me into marriage even though I vowed never to, i just knew i would fall in love with him, like the movies, better than the movies.

" Do you always let everyone dictate your life?” I ask him on our wedding night, when he coughs uncomfortably. Look at us, two pretty strangers in the same room.

"No” he looks away.

"Good, because I don’t plan on having sex with you, go to sleep” I say to him.

But i wanted to be friends with him before being lovers, seeing as i didn’t know if he beat up women or had anger issues, I’m not about to give my heart to a man who’s abusive but he quietly slipped under the blankets like i willed him to.

When i woke up from that dream, i willed myself to go back to sleep, to continue that story of him but when i slept again I dreamt of elephants floating in balloons.

So now, in my spare time and during half my classes, i add bits and pieces of moments and thoughts to that dream, i elongate it simply because i want to see you in reality, but I probably never will.

I will probably die a single woman.