painless. what a title. I mean where should I even start with this?. I knew when it came to mind at first that I would have eventually come up with a fancy story surrounding the word but I’ve decided to squander it on myself and my experience (I will revisit that title in fiction one day though).

days like this I have pain. not physically but the emotional type. I call them the days of reflection whereby I do a mini review of what I’ve really been through and what I haven’t really delt with. days like this, whether I like it or not, I’m prone to be numb.

it always starts with my eyes opening, staring at that white ceiling; musty and full of cobwebs.(is there a chance it’s leaking also?)

I have this feeling of not wanting to meet people today. this is the day my emotions have chosen to overwhelm me.

I plug my earphones to my phone and scroll down through my playlist. at least there’s something that will keep my mind of these unexplained feelings. No wrong! the music doesn’t hit like always and the lyrics are starting to be too relatable.

I remove the earphones, let’s just enjoy this bit of silence. oh no, big mistake.

thoughts start like a whisper and I’m turning right to try and decipher them. the whisper becomes audible. it suddenly feels like several people talking back and forth making no sense. dread hits my spine. every single thought in my head manifests into a person (s). there faces are full of disgust and they are looking at me apprehensively.

I am now in a circle of an angry mob. the lights are out . only a floodlight is focused on me. my accusers have their fingers pointing at me as they say in unison “this is your fault! this is your fault!”

maybe this is my fault.

is it? is it my fault that one day I’m all fine, devoid of feeling and the next day I’m just breaking down?

now I have to ride that the whole day hoping existential crisis doesn’t hit me at 3 am. perhaps I should watch a movie.

no the protagonist is either too relatable or just annoying.

what if I write?

yeah right, explain that to your writer’s block.

maybe sleeping would be better. escaping this reality for just a brief moment.

but does the pain really go away?

so here I am not feeling like doing anything. I decide to take a walk. long walks get me thinking of other things other than my pains.i don’t know what I’m praying for really but by the end of this walk a heaviness would have been lifted.