I burned myself with fire today. on purpose. no, it wasn't my first time.

I tried cutting but the blade was blunt so it wasn't working for me.

why?

well, I was triggered. by something I saw in a movie. I missed the pain so I did it again.

I thought of Raphael though. oh how I miss him so.

it's been a while & for the first time, I'm not counting the weeks as they go by.

one would say that's progress, but is it really?

now I recognize the smell of burning skin

it's not pleasant, but it's not foul either.

that was the only evidence that I was up to no good

aside from the purple lighter that was in my hand

I really do miss him

I just got the brilliant idea to write him a love letter. everybody loves an anonymous love letter

but my brilliant idea is not so brilliant, no it's not.

I don't want to talk to him as much as I used to

I don't want his attention as much as I used to

& I barely even notice when he walks in the room these days

doesn't mean I don't notice him at all though

but at least I've stopped expecting him to come over or look over or smile at me, unlike before

so I guess it's progress afterall

like I said, the blade was blunt

I had wanted a deep cut but it was impossible with that edge

deep cuts always bleed more and they always leave a scar

I have five scars from my previous deep cuts

four on my right thigh and one on my left

is it weird that I think they're beautiful?

yes, absolutely.

I'll get a new blade & go really really deep

is it weird that I miss the pain?

no that has to be normal... is it?

who exactly is gonna answer all my questions?

look at that,

it's just another unanswered question