Once upon a time is such a cliché easy way to start a story but here we are again. 

Once upon a time, I, Yejide Balami decided that the only thing left for me to do to be tagged the family embarrassment was take my dead beat boyfriend to our annual  family reunion when I knew that Tobe the first fruit of the Balami household would be there flaunting her perfect fiancé and aunty Isoken would make those snide remarks that had the potential of ruining your self esteem and not to forget your entire life. Exhibit A would be when she told Temiloluwa’s boyfriend at the time that he would look better if he didn’t have any hair and for the rest of that year, he shaved his head clean meanwhile what she didn’t clarify was the fact that she wasn’t actually referring to the hair on his head but the hair that coated his legs. He was a hairy dude but did auntie Isoken consider that during her onslaught of comments packed full with sarcasm and disguised irritation? The answer would be an outright “No” clearly the woman is bitter and dare I say that she was only bitter because no one, wanted to be subjected to a forever with her in the name of marriage. She is rich though, at least we could give her that. She’d worked hard and built her wealth so much so that she almost always was never in the country. I mean you’d think that her trips to the Maldives or Santorini would last till the end of the family reunion but she always found a way to make it into town just in time for them.

There’s also Anjolaoluwa my sister and the family’s last born who also happens to be a tech mogul who woke up one day and built a tech start up that now is one of the highest grossing tech companies in Lagos; and lest I forget she bagged a rich white man who is now her husband whilst doing so. Anjola is the sweetest in the family if you asked me, she didn’t come with any added drama, what you saw was exactly what you got with her that some might even call her bland. Anjie as we all call her is my favorite, the absolute sweetest human. 

Then my brother Lekan who is a videographer and producer. He is actually a big name in Nigeria much like Anjola but in the media industry. He is a foot loose happy go lucky guy who always thinks that the best way to do life is by winging it. Well what can I say? It has gotten him this far so we can’t actually judge him. Sometimes we refer to him as “straight shooter” because as much as he sleeps around, he is never hesitant to walk up to any woman and make his intentions clear. The guy loves us so much, me especially but I can say with utmost certainty that I will not be marrying someone like him, he can’t keep it in his pants. 

I come right after him. There’s not much to say about me other than the fact that I am book smart, not quite a nerd but leaning towards that, socially awkward, can’t get into a relationship to save my life and the most under achieved. Where my siblings have been lucky in love and in life, I have moved from numerous failed relationships to failed businesses to just more failure. I would love to blame it on life because come on life is hard but I blame myself. Out of my siblings, I had the opportunity to study at an Ivy League university because book smart that I am, I bagged lots of scholarships. Yes, I went to Harvard university, majored in Law and minored in English Literature then went on to do a masters program in Arts and Liberal studies that is after acing law school. Life was the best then. I was the favorite child whose achievements were boasted of constantly by every family member but unfortunately, I just had to go and fall in love. I met Femi on the plane ride back to Nigeria. He was interesting, he came padded with faux intellectualism and he was a member of the bling lagosian class, the socialites of Lagos meaning in actual sense rich daddy and mummy. We had a good conversation, shared a good laugh and exchanged numbers, however I wasn’t sure he was going to reach out, but he did. 

We dated for 12months and in that time, I fell in love, fell out of love and learned so much about myself. He made me happy, made me cry, I literally picked up his shit but I still loved him (or I thought I did). The guy destroyed my self esteem, at this point I can comfortably say that he and auntie Isoken share the same place in hell because heaven cannot accommodate their bullshit. This man made me sacrifice a promotion at shell that would’ve allowed be the luxury of becoming a UK citizen just so he could in the end cheat on me, me! Yejide Balami! But what did I expect from a man named Femi right? 

Subsequently, I quit my job because I had this epiphany that I could somehow make it as an actress in this Nigeria , I don’t know who sent me o but in retrospect it was a ballistic move that earned me the title of the most brave sibling, now how can I tell them that I have no job and I literally have no money? Don’t get me wrong mummy and daddy’s money got me because what I and Femi had in common was rich parents but still, I am 26 and fast approaching 27 with nothing to show for it. 

My parents whom the whole of Lagos address as “the Balami’s” are into everything—imports, exports, oil, you name it. They have been married for 38years and they have had such a love marriage that I almost envy them. 

There’s also my cousins the twins, Tiara and Funke, the holy Mary’s of the bunch. Can’t stand to hear a cuss word, plead the blood of Jesus for everything and don’t get me started on their outfits, even my mother could never wear such. The thing is I know that Funke is having sex with daddy’s friend Chief Okafor, I mean how else can she afford her apartment in Ikoyi? Or Tiara, Jesus 2.0 but sends nudes to the church group chat when it was actually meant for the choir coordinator? Their mother who is under the illusion that she has the best children on earth is my favorite auntie. She is daddy’s only sibling so she’s around a lot. Then mummy’s brother’s son Jide. He is constantly high on God knows what and says the  nastiest shit. 

Anyway, my boyfriend’s name is Eso, he is boring, unadventurous and broke. I mean he has quite literally got nothing going for him other than his jaw dropping good looks. He thinks he is the next big thing to Davido but his music is actually trash. He doesn’t know that I hold this opinion though, he just thinks that I love his music much like how he thinks I love him but I know that I absolutely don’t. Then why am I with him you ask? Well I like projects. There’s just this thrill in thinking that you can fix things in people who have no idea that they need fixing until to finally put every piece where it is supposed to be and they realize that they are better because you are what they have always needed all along. Jide can be better because I never fail at any project that doesn’t involve me or putting my own life together.

Everyone is already seated by the time we arrive. We are late, because Jide decided that we just had to use his old Honda so that my parents don’t think that he is a free loader and what can I say, one of the things on my list of things to fix is his self confidence so I let him. The car stopped working shortly after we left the estate that we eventually had to call an Uber to come and take us. 

As we take our seats, I notice that auntie Isoken is nowhere in sight and my heart sings with joy. If we can make it through dinner without her presence no one will focus on I and Jide and I wouldn’t have to be the embarrassment after all. Mummy welcomes me with a pleasant smile and Anjie comes up and hugs me, no one mentions or acknowledges Jide. 

“I’m pregnant, don’t scream it’s a surprise” she whispers in my ears and I gasp. However no one cares, everyone is so carried away by their own self importance to care. We say a cursory prayer just so we can feel like we care about God and then we start to pass out food. I am starved so I’m prepared to eat well but there’s an interruption and then the table erupts in whispers. I look to see what has caused this commotion and alas, she shows up—auntie Isoken in the flesh but she is not alone. She is with a guy young enough to be her son but I know he isn’t. She dramatically halts at the foot of the table where daddy is sitting and I notice it. There’s a huge diamond ring on her ring finger and that could only mean one thing…

“Hello everyone, meet my fiancé Chude” she says causing everyone but me to let out collective gasps and this everyone is what a typical Balami family event is like.