I'm having a really bad day today. I've not felt like this in a while. It's really bad and I can't explain why I feel like this. I'm living the life of my dreams...an answered prayer. So why do I feel like this.

I feel better today. Sometimes it gets like this right before I get my period. I don't have the the time to cry. I don't have the time to sit and wallow in self pity...to feel my feelings. It's not always like this.

Today I woke up early to watch the sunset and the beauty of it gave me a reason to want to wake up tomorrow. I took a walk around my neighbourhood and I think I'm gonna stick around to talk a walk tomorrow.

A lot of time everything is fine then I start to feel this dread, this pit in my belly...like I'm drowning. I'm not new to this feeling, it's something I've felt since I was 12 when I felt overwhelming depression for the first time or when I became suicidal at 14 or when I started to have crippling anxiety at 18.

All those years when I didn't want to live...when I never carried thru with any of my plans, it was me holding on to anyone, to anything...willing myself to live. One time it was me holding on to my sister so she would not be alone if I went thru with my plan. Or the time I held a grudge against my uncle and wanted to get my revenge on him. Another time it was wanting to stay long enough to prove the teacher who said I won't amount to anything wrong.

I held on to people, to things...to anything and anyone willing myself to live...to keep going. And after years, I didn't need a reason. I simply wanted to live.

Most of the time everything is great...life is good. Then boom! those feelings come crawling back. But then this is not my first rodeo...I'm not new to this. Today it is holding on long enough to see how this Kendrick vs Drake drama ends (I'm team Kendrick btw.

Today I choose to live.