Babe! I'm not fine, Victor is dead. He went to watch the champions league match of Inter vs Barcelona and he had a seizure. She sounded hurt, fragile and in an emotional turmoil. May his gentle soul rest in peace I told her. I didn't feel sad, it was not because I didn't know Victor personally, my girl mentioned him once in a while and was full of smiles the day he proposed to his fiancee. It was probably because I didn't know how to react to the news—I had never mourned anyone before. 

My simple words probably didn't carry much comfort, but it came from a place of love. I rested my head and drifted into space. 

The dark thoughts crept in. Life is unpredictable, and nothing is guaranteed. One thing is certain though, the ultimate game changer, the silent shadow at the end of every path; Death.

What if I die today?

I imagined myself standing over my own lifeless body, wondering what happens next. Will I be mourned? Missed? What will people say about me? Will death come after I've fulfilled my dreams? Or will it come right before I get the chance to start? The silence after the question made my heart race. Is that fear? It is.

My mind spiralled: How will it happen? Will I die in my sleep? In am accident? From illness? By suicide? A gunshot? A knife? My chest tightened. The fear rushed in like a flood. I tried to shake off the thoughts, but they lingered.

Life, I've learned is like a mirror, stare at it long enough, and it stares back. Look closely, and death stares back too.

Why does the thought of death fill me with dread? 

It's not death itself that scares me—it's what comes after. The uncertainty. The loss of control. What if I end up somewhere I can't even make decisions for myself? I fear the pain, the suffering, the separation from my loved ones. The thought of being disconnected from my favourite things and my favorite people felt like a knife going through my heart, and it left a metallic taste in my mouth. 

I stood up from my reverie, with a heavy heart. My mind drifted to victor, I wondered what he thought of in his last moments. His fiancee? His parents? His siblings? Perhaps the money he had saved up for his wedding. 

I tell myself I'm not afraid of death. After all, everyone dies. What I truly fear is the timing. I want to die only when I'm full—full of life, full of love, full of satisfaction and purpose. But! Should death come for me even before my desires are fulfilled, I'll embrace it with open arms and a face lifted to the heavens, to die like a Man.

Victor is dead, but I'll mourn him today. His death opened my eyes. Now I've learned to chase my dreams more firecly, but also to slow down an enjoy the little moments. I'll also learn to express love to the people who matter, and let go of those who don't value mine. Because i don't know when the headless horseman will come Knocking on my door. 

But until then, I'll live like death's watching.