The Talking Bird.

Mornings used to be my favorite. I'd wake up feeling energetic; bulldozing through my day like a Hippo. I seldom have a bad morning, not even on my most hated day of the week: Mondays. You know when they say you should sleep to feel recharged, that's what happens to me. I'm the energy sip everyone needs in the morning.

It has always been like this. I've never had to think about how and why this was so until her. She's worse, you see. While I'm the energy sip, she's the energy source. I don't know where kids get their energy from but I'm sure hers was never from whatever source kids her age got theirs from. She wakes up radiating all the sources of energy at any time in the day. While mine comes from the Sun (just like a Kryptonian), I bet hers comes from a magical orb or something. She never gets tired, even while being sick. 

I digress 

Grief Is The Weird Principal Thing. 

Emotions are superficial. I know it's what makes us human and bla bla bla but it is superficial. Why do we feel? To enjoy life? To be able to fall in love? To be able to live? Just why?

I've always pondered on these questions. Whenever people talk about emotions like love, sadness, anger and whatnot, I always wonder why they feel them so. 

Someone can love a person for years while another feels brokenhearted for years. Sadness lasts but so does happiness. People feel anxious and others feel at peace (so they say). I wonder though, how can someone feel so many emotions? Why do things make you sad or happy or sorrowful or anxious or angry or brokenhearted or…? Why?

“A normal person feels” I scoff at that.

There are people who feel and then there are empaths who just don't feel their own emotions but others’ emotions too. Imagine how frustrating that is.

People talk about how books, movies or even songs make them feel. That it is possible to feel things through words. Isn't this just because they are too invested in what they're consuming. “It's a sad book.”, “it's a sad ending”, “this song made me cry”. No! No! No! Isn't there a default feeling for things we indulge in? I think there is, so why are we getting sad simply because a character died? 

I digress 

How does one grieve? Is there a manual for it? I know they say we can't dictate how people grieve but I think I need a manual. A “How To Grief Like A Normal Homo Sapien Handbook” with a step by step guide and how to feel because I don't think my emotional status quo received any updates.

Like I said, there is a default emotional setting. Mine is excitement. I'm almost always excited. Whenever there's a glitch, my default kicks in; wiped memory, less feelings and lots of hyper activeness that leads to my crash. Only this isn't a glitch so why is my default kicking in? Someone said, "you'll feel it later" but I don't think I will. I don't feel the grief, not even on the day she left. Isn't it supposed to feel like pain? Or like your heart is breaking? Only I've got no idea what a broken heart feels like. All those books and yet, I still have no idea what it's supposed to feel like.

It's like love. People try to define it with words. They tell you when you fall in love you'll know but we all know it's a lie. I don't know anything; not love nor grief. What I feel though is fear. My heart beats faster whenever I think about my ability to not feel. I'm afraid my brain will format her totally. You might believe it's not possible but I can't conjure her up completely. Something is always missing. Conjuring up someone you've known for 4 years 9 months and two weeks shouldn't be this hard. Should it? 

I don't remember her unless I force myself to. The “out of sight out of mind” saying applies to me. Genesis tends to forget people she doesn't see daily so I'm afraid that that is what's happening. I watch everyone around me grief her everyday but I don't seem to. 

Sometimes it feels like I don't miss her. It's alarming how fast I've fallen into a routine where she doesn't exist. She did exist though and now she's gone, so why don't I feel that?

It is natural to grief. No, it's not. Grief is the weird principal thing.

The Talking Bird.